After The War
by theladybug01
Summary: This is my version of what may happen in book three. I've never been good at summaries so this is my sad attempt at one. Tris acts fine, but whats going through her head. All she wants is to have never existed.
1. Prologue

Never have-nor will ever- owned the Divergent trilogy. They Belong to Veronica Roth.

After the video was finished it was chaos. In the end, people opted to go back to their factions and there would still be a choosing ceremony, life would go on as normal. This time though, there was a representative government, no aptitude tests, interaction between factions was encouraged, you may possess traits of other factions than the one you choose as well without being hunted and killed. Funerals were planned, bodies recovered, memorials built, but I think everyone was still afraid of war, I know Christina was.

She and Tobias were the only people willing to talk to me up until two weeks ago when Tobias broke up with me. I still love him but he said he was confused and hurt by what I did and when he asked questions that I couldn't answer I got confused as to why he got angry for me not answering. I didn't know what to do. Christina tried to cheer me up but later realized it was a lost cause. Slowly she began to leave me too. I knew it before that this would happen. I just didn't know when. I have no one to blame but myself.

I looked at the clock and made a mental list. It has been ten days since Tobias looked at me, 4 days since Christina talked to me three days since I last ate two days since I last left my apartment 6 hours since I last walked. I took a deep breath and held it for as long as possible. I wonder what it would be like to just stop breathing…or to fall off the face of the earth… to have died at war…to have just fallen off the face off the earth…to just cease to exist. Life would be so much easier if I never lived.

I made it my personal mission to make it as though I never existed other than a memory left behind in the war. I used the spare key Christina gave me that she forgot I still had to go into her room when I knew she was gone and take everything that had to do with me. Photos of me and her, sketches I drew her, gifts I gave her, everything. I took it all and put it in a box that I put in my closet. From that point on, I never left my apartment. Day by day I looked and felt worse. I would spend hours dry heaving in the bathroom. Something would have come out if I had anything in me to begin with. I stood and walked to the mirror. I put my palm against the smooth surface.

"It'll be as though I never existed" I whispered to the mirror before I pulled my fist back and slammed it into the glass. Blood ran down my hand as a turned and walked away from the mess of broken glass. "They'll never see my reflection again" I said to myself as the door shut behind me.


	2. Chapter 1

Never have-nor will ever- owned the Divergent trilogy. They Belong to Veronica Roth.

_Chapter1: Tris POV_

I sat there staring at my wall. What else is there to do when all your friends hate you, your mother figure hates you and your boyfriend hates you? They don't understand why I did what I did. But I guess that's the way life is. I haven't eaten in a couple days now, or gone to work. I just locked myself in my apartment and didn't leave. Until today.

I had decided to talk to Christina. When she opened her door and saw me she looked surprised like she didn't expect me to do so.

"Hey" I said dully for my mind was far too cluttered to think clearly

"Why are you here?" Christina asked sharply. Even though her tone cut like a knife. I was just happy she hasn't slammed the door yet.

"I…I guess I needed someone to talk to." I stutter at the beginning but try to end without letting my voice betray me again.

"And you came to me? Look I've got to go. Sorry" and she shut the door. I guess even when I'm holding a white flag I'm still considered a traitor. I walked aimlessly around the hallways until I curl up in a ball in some random hallway.

I signed the last letter and set it on the small pile of one identical to the one I finished. I had one for Tobias, Tori, Christina and Uriah. "Now just to get them delivered after I'm done" I thought to myself.

I was done trying to act like I was okay. I was done keeping up an image. I was just done. I couldn't think of anyone who could deliver the letters for me. I glanced at my clock. It was time for my shift at work and I didn't care. "That's it" I mutter feeling stupid.

I stand up and go to the bathroom to make sure I look at least somewhat presentable. I splashed my face with water and brushed my hair back into a ponytail. I went to my desk and grabbed all the letters and went to the tattoo shop. I see bud my boss cleaning up after someone who just finished.

"Hey Bud"

"Hey Tris, your late" unlike many, bud may dislike my decisions but is at least civil to me. To be truthful, he is the closest thing to a friend I have at the moment.

"I wasn't feeling too good and was going to go get some medicine from the pharmacy but decided to stop by. Can I talk to you in your office real quick?"

"Sure" he led me to his office in the back of the store.

One inside he sat down and gestured for me to speak.

"Umm…" I said, not knowing how to phrase what I was asking. "Well, I'm going to be leaving for a while on business and I wondered if you could deliver some letters for me while I'm gone?" by the time I was finished I was staring at my feet.

"Sure are they for your old friends?" he knew my old friends because I told him about them some days at work.

"Yeah, it's just some important information I thought they would like to know. Could you deliver them during breakfast tomorrow? It's the best time for them to read their letter."

"Of course"

"Thank you "I managed to choke out. I was on the verge of tears.

"Are you okay Tris?" instead of replying I just shook my head. Bud just stood up and hugged me, lending me strength when I needed it most. "I know I don't need to say this but you'll be okay, got it?"

I nodded and pulled away.

"Thank you" I repeated as I opened the door "for being there when no one else was." I walked out and shut the door behind me.

I walked to my apartment and broke down and sobbed when I entered, slamming the door shut. I cried to sleep that night.

I woke up at 11:40 PM to my alarm as I planned. I got out of bed and dressed lightly. I walked into the pit with my favorite skinny jeans, the shirt Christina got me that used to be Tobias's favorite on me, black flats , the charm bracelet will and Uriah got me and the necklace Tobias bought for me before what I did. I had no makeup on and let my hair fall in waves around my shoulders. I reached the railing of the chasm.

I took a deep breath and climbed the railing, settling my feet on the other side. I placed my feet on the edge of the rock and grasped the railing tightly, leaning backwards. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the rushing water. The words I love you, Tobias escaped my mouth as I released the railing and let myself fall.

_Tobias POV_

I couldn't shale the feeling that something bad was happening as I tried to go to sleep. Eventually I got out of bed and went for a walk around the pit. I tried not to think that if Tris had been with me I could have gone to sleep easily as I did before she betrayed me. I stayed in the shadows as I walked to the chasm, the sound of it calming me.

When I saw someone else walk towards the chasm I stepped further into the shadows, going unseen. I couldn't tell who it was from where I stood. The person climbed the railing and let themselves lean back. Only when I heard the words "I love you, Tobias" did I realize who it was.

Tris was already falling backward when I ran forward and grasped her ankles in my attempt to keep her from falling. I pulled her up and into my arms. She was unconscious. When I grabbed her ankles she must have swung down and hit her head I thought quickly as I ran to the infirmary. Since it was the middle of the night the place was mostly empty so when a nurse saw me she immediately got a bed ready.

They made me stay in the waiting room while they checked on her. While I sat there I thought about why she would have tried to kill herself_. "You"_ said a voice in his head. It was everyone's fault. Tris wanted to explain herself and we wouldn't let her. We were cruel. I don't think anyone in dauntless would have a full conversation with her unless absolutely necessary. I fell asleep and was woken by a nurse a while later.

"We have her stabilized. She is in a coma at the moment. You may visit her for 15 minutes then we need to continue some things." I just nodded and followed her to the room. I almost cried out when I saw her. I pulled the chair up next to her bed and cried. After a couple minute I began apologizing even though she couldn't hear me. I held her hand until Bud from the tattoo shop showed up with a letter for me.

It was from Tris.

Her plan was slowly making sense in my head. I didn't like it but I understood it. She wrote letters to her friends and had bud agree to deliver them this morning so we wouldn't be able to stop her from killing herself. I shook the thought of her body at the bottom of the chasm from my head and brace myself to open the letter.

_Dear Tobias,_

_ I wish we didn't have to end the way we did. I did what I did that day for a reason. Did you not think that I hated every moment I had to lie to you to accomplish it? Did you think that I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to have to face your father until you were ready? I don't think you did because if you had maybe I wouldn't be writing this in the first place. But I didn't write this to yell at you or to try and explain myself. After all you never wanted to hear what I had to say back then, so why would you want to know now?_

_ I wrote this to say goodbye. If you haven't noticed I haven't eaten or slept soundly for a couple weeks. Then again why would you track what I did after that day? No one talked to me unless necessary except bud who I assume you would recognize as the one who delivered this. But I'm straying from the topic. All my friends hated me and you hated me too. I just couldn't take it. I'm not dauntless. I'm not brave. It killed me to know the only family I had left abandoned me. You were my family after my parents died. And you left._

_ I never believed that you were broken because of your childhood. I never looked at you like you were a kicked puppy because you weren't. I never believed that you would think that I wanted to betray you. I loved you then and I still love you now, even if I am dead._

_I used to wonder if I went into my fear landscape, would it have changed. I don't need to go through it to know that it has in some way. You would be in there again, though not in the same way as before. I am afraid of losing you forever which I pretty much did. I let that fear drive me crazy day and night until I couldn't take it anymore._

_It's one thing if a fear is caused by something happening. It's another thing entirely to become afraid of something and have it happen while it is a fear. I was living my fear landscape. But this time no amount of calmness could stop it._

_ I will always love you regardless of what has happened. I guess I just hope you'll now understand._

_I will miss you,_

_Tris_

I couldn't breathe. I was a reason she did this. I caused this. I understand why she tried to kill herself now but now I want to understand why she betrayed me. Heck. I want to figure out if she actually did betray me or if I was being an idiot and jumped to conclusions. I was still deep in thought when Christina Uriah and tori ran into the room to see Tris. I noticed they all had their own letter almost identical to mine but with different content. They all tried to make sense of what happened and I think we all knew the answer. We just didn't want to admit to ourselves what it was.

2 months later

Tris POV

I opened my eyes slowly. I felt really stiff and hungry, that's when what happened came back to me. Someone caught me, who I don't know. They knocked me unconscious and took, me here is what I'm assuming. I try to sit up, slowly easing my way upward. I settle down and start thinking about all my old friends. Within seconds I am crying into my hands. That's when Christina walks in. She stops short gasping. I look up at her and cry harder. She runs over to me, throwing her arms around me. I hear her saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," over and over again. Eventually my sobs die down into hiccups and Christina leans back sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Do you want to talk?" Christina asks it quietly as though she is ashamed of herself.

"Why would you want to talk to me?" I don't say it harshly; I say it sadly knowing no one wanted to talk to me.

"Because I was stupid to hold that it day against you and I didn't realize this would happen to you. Will you forgive me?"

"I already did. I'm annoyed yes angry yes cruel no. anyway how long have I been asleep" I say it casually to try and keep myself from breaking down again.

"Tris…"Christina gets a saddened face "you've been in a coma for 2 months."

"What" I say shocked.

"It's true. I've been your normal nurse since the day four brought you in here. Someone else put you in a room but I took her place soon after. Four, tori and Uriah visit daily. They don't come till this afternoon." she gets a thoughtful look on her face and looks at me with excitement in her eyes. "Let's surprise them."

"Sure why not."

"Can you walk?" She says worriedly

"I'm not entirely sure..."

"It's fine. I'll help you. Well do it together." She grasps my arms gently and helps me to my feet. I start to fall once but Christina supports me until I balance again. I don't fall again. She slowly lets go of my arms and goes to the other side of the room. "Try to walk to me" she says happily. Apparently I'm doing well.

I take my time walking to her and manage not to fall at all.

"Yay now we can surprise them at breakfast." She squeals.

"Let's do it" I say determinedly. I'll have to face them sometime. I may as well try to be happy about it.

Me and Christina end up spending an hour chatting and Christina catching me up to date on stuff I missed. My attempted suicide comes up gently and I assure her that I wasn't joking at the time but that it won't be happening again. I see her visibly relax. We continue normally until she looks at her watch and says happily "time to become the living dead" I laugh as I stand up. Christina had gotten me some normal clothing while we were waiting until breakfast started. I think she tried to leave my outfit casual and comfortable so I'll be happier. We link arms just in case I fall on the way.

A couple minutes later I'm sitting at a table with Christina sitting across from me so she can see when the others come in. I face the opposite direction with my head down so most people don't see who I am.

"Tris get beneath the table now." Cristina commands, leaving no room for objection. I smile and slide down. I see Tobias and Uriah sit down at the table. Tobias asks if I've improved since yesterday, his voice full of hopefulness. I listen for Christina's reply. When I hear her say that I haven't improved I slide out from under the table right next to Tobias. I hear them gasp.

"Surprise!" I yell as I settle myself on the seat.

"Tris?" I hear Tobias say half hopefully and half disbelieving. I wrap my arms around him to show that I'm really there. All he did was turn and crush me to his chest, putting his face in my hair and breathing deeply. I look over to Uriah and reach an arm out to him. He grabs my hand and grasps it tightly as he looks back at me. My gaze shifts over to tori, which just walked up. None of us are crying but emotion was visible on everyone's face.

"When, how…why?" Tori whispers just loud enough for me to hear. I understand the when and how. I don't understand the why.

Why what? I ask to clarify

"Why did you try to kill yourself? Why didn't you talk to us? Why did you betray us?"

"Okay…" I squirm in Tobias arms until I can look straight at tori without being in an awkward position. "Ask Christina on the when and how because I honestly don't know how and don't really know what time it was when I woke up." That answer was pretty simple but I had yet to explain the whys. "To answer your whys, One, I tried to kill myself because I was just in the way of everyone. Two, I didn't talk to you guys because you refused to listen no matter what I had to say. And three, when will you guys understand I didn't betray you." No one will get that through their head.

"I knew there was information only Jeanine could access and that if it was known by more than a few people that the mission to get the information would fail. I didn't tell you, tori because you hate Jeanine and I knew you may not have been able to handle the job without killing her before obtaining the info. I didn't tell four because of Evelyn and how much power she had. Had she learned of it from four she probably would have wanted to come along and I knew he wasn't all that comfortable around her." I turned to Uriah. "I have no excuse for not having you come along Uriah, so I'm just going to apologize. You know what. I truly wonder how much an apology from me is worth right now. After all, you never cared before."

Everyone looked stunned at what I said except Christina. She looked sad and yet slightly proud of me. No one said anything so I spoke up again.

"This is my idea guys. Each one of you comes to my apartment at a different time so that way each of you can say or do whatever to me without embarrassing yourself in front of the others. Got it? Decide amongst yourselves as to who will go when."

I think they already had a silent agreement that Tobias would go first because no one said anything about that. After a moment of silence all four of them start to give me information on what happened to them while I was unconscious. Eventually we had to get up and head to jobs and other things. Tobias stayed with me holding my hand wherever I went. I first had to go to the office for apartments because I no longer had my key and needed a spare. Once I got another key I and Tobias went to my apartment.

"Do you mind if I clean up for a bit. You don't have to leave but I feel the need for a shower." He nodded and shooed me to the bathroom. After a warm shower I put on some sweat pants and an old t shirt, pulling my hair into a ponytail again. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to talk to Tobias. I opened the door to the bedroom with one last glance at the mirror.


	3. Chapter 2

Never have-nor will ever- owned the Divergent trilogy. They Belong to Veronica Roth.

I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to talk to Tobias. I opened the door to the bedroom with one last glance at the mirror….

_Chapter 2: Tris POV_

"It's just Tobias" I thought to myself as I walked towards Tobias. He was sitting on the edge of my bed, facing away from me. I crawl on the bed and sit behind him.

"If you're going to yell at me, might as well do it now." I say quietly. "Who knows when you'll be willing to talk to me again?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks angrily. He doesn't turn around or look at me. I can see his muscles tensing through his shirt.

"I thought me already…" He cut me off halfway.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He repeats his voice slightly louder.

"Your mom…" He cut me off again.

"You seriously think I would have cared that my mom was there if it involved a situation in which you could be killed?"

"No, I did not!" I refused to let him cut me off again. This time it was my voice that was rising with anger. "I knew you would be willing to come but I knew how you feel around your mother and decided not to make you feel that way. You act like I was trying to leave you behind. I was trying to keep you from being in pain…" My voice drops "I can't see you in pain. It physically hurt me to see you in pain of any sort. I just…couldn't." My voice cracks at the end.

"Well I've been in pain since I learned you lied to me that day" He says quietly.

"I've been in pain just as long as you have. You hated me, tori Uriah and Christina hated me, my parents are dead, my brother is a traitor and pretty much anyone who knew who I was refused to talk to me. The only person who has been even civil to me up until today was Bud. Every time someone refused to speak to me, it was like a kick to the stomach. Every time you refused to look at me it was like a stab to my heart, being thrown off the train while unprepared, falling in the chasm, getting shot in the head and practically any other horrible way to die, all at once." I choke down a sob.

"I didn't know." He says, trying to apologize for what he is blaming me for. I take a shaky breath in and let it out slowly.

"No you didn't. And I don't think anyone else did either. What's the point in living when no one cares about you or what you do?" I don't wait for an answer "there is no point. You're just in people's way." I say quietly, closing eyes and hiding my face in my hands. The bed move slightly and I feel his arms wrap around me.

"I'm glad you're not dead." He whispers in my hair. I don't wrap my arms around him like I did last time he hugged me. I stiffen and squeeze my eyes tightly shut. In my mind, an apology is worth nothing considering they never listened to mine. I don't trust him as completely as I did before life got so complicated. The only people I really trust at the moment are Bud and Christina. Bud because he was always there for me, I can always depend on him to come through. Christina not as much as Bud, but she was there on the mission and knew more about the situation I was in. The only reason she hated me was because I killed Will. And she seems to have gotten over that now. Or at the very least, got over it enough to talk to me.

I wanted to be alone for the rest of the day, regardless of the situation at hand. I knew I looked tired so I used that to my advantage. I dropped my hands and yawned believably.

"Are you really tired? It's barely after noon." He says, confused.

"I guess my body isn't used to much movement yet" I rub my eyes and groan quietly as if to prove my point.

"Okay. I guess I'll let you sleep." He kissed my hair gently and squeezed me one last time before standing and letting himself out, turning off the light on the way.

Once I was sure he was gone I stood and turned the lamp on my desk on. It cast an eerie glow across the room. I sat down and pulled out my old sketchbook, a pencil and a pack of colored pencils. People told me I was a great artist and I never believed them. I still don't, but I sketch anyway. To me, it relieves stress. I flipped the book to a fresh page. I started to draw my parents, Caleb, Tobias, Will, Christina, Uriah, Marlene, Bud, Tori and Al. I drew them in a cluster with everyone's shoulders and head visible. Almost like a family portrait. Under everyone I wrote "My Family Before the War" in fancy cursive lettering. That's when I got an Idea. I flipped the page and started on a picture of Bud.

When I was finished my sketch was of Bud standing alone in a sea of emptiness. People would say that's he's alone and that I need to add more to it. But the way it looked was the truth. Bud stood alone, but he stood with pride and strength.

I smile sadly at my drawings and pin them to my bulletin board. I turn out the lamp and climb into bed to take a nap. I couldn't lie to Tobias again. I close my eyes and let myself drift to sleep. The words I wrote under Bud burn themselves into my dream, turning it to a nightmare.

_ I spin in a circle; surrounded by those I called my family. I would have been happy, had they not been yelling at me about my mistakes and stupidity and any flaw they could possibly think of. Out of nowhere everyone disappeared._

_The room around me morphed into the old dormitory when I refused to forgive Al, changing into the next morning when he was found at the bottom of the chasm. Suddenly images and memories were changing nonstop around me. My mother's death, will's smile as he crumpled after I shot him, dad sacrificing himself for me, Christina learning about will, Marlene falling off the Candor rooftop, finding Caleb working for Jeanine, Uriah blaming me for Marlene's death, shooting tori in the process of stopping Jeanine, Four entering after the fight and realizing I lied to him and so many others. The images wouldn't end. I sank to my knees with my head in my hands. I let out some garbled sound that was half sob half scream. I continued screaming and sobbing until I lost my voice. _

_When I looked up Tobias was standing there looking at me. He could have been normal, except there was a gun in his hand and it was pointed at my forehead. I put my hand up in defeat and looked to the ground. The last thing I saw before I died was the words on the picture of Bud, "The Only Family I Have Left." written under him in cursive lettering._

I sat straight up in bed, my forehead colliding with someone. We both say ouch, but I'm the only one with tears streaming down my face. I look up and see Christina.

"You okay?" She asks gently. I nod but she hugs me anyway.

"Had a really vivid nightmare." I mumble.

"Do you want to talk about it, sometimes talking helps?" She suggests to me. I shake my head. Once is enough for a lifetime. Twice and I don't think I would be sane anymore. Nor would I be able to fall asleep.

"What time is it?" I really didn't feel like rolling over and looking at the clock.

That's why I came here. It's time for dinner." I groan and she pulls me out of bed throws some clothes at me and shoves me in the bathroom. When I come out I feel slightly better but not by much. I convince Christina to not do my makeup because it was worthless at the moment. I go to lie back down on my bed for a moment before we leave but she just laughs and grabs my arm, dragging me from my bed to the cafeteria.

Christina says she'll get my food for me and tells me to sit somewhere and wait for her. Tobias and Uriah sit at one table. I walk over to them. I sit down next to Tobias and listen to everyone's voices as they speak to each other needlessly. I get sucked into my own world of thoughts as I tune everything out. I'm still distracted when Uriah waves his hand in front of my face. I snap out of my daze

"Earth to Tris. Did you hear anything we just said to you?" Uriah asks. I blush furiously and look at the table and the newly place food in front of me.

"Sorry, got distracted." I reply, still staring at the food.

"It's fine." Christina says. "Eat. Don't you still like hamburgers?" She asks? Confused as to why I haven't touched any of my food.

"Of course I still like them I'm just not hungry right now. It seems unappealing to eat anything really." I reply dully

"You haven't eaten anything since you woke up. You need to eat Tris, even if you don't feel like it." Christina tells me with a bit of a commanding tone. I smiled grimly and attempted to eat as little as possible of my food. I may not be as depressed as before, but the thought of eating made me sick to the stomach. I forced away the thoughts quickly before my food could reappear. I continued chatting casually throughout dinner, managing to only eat half the food I was given and assure my friends that I was perfectly fine.

After dinner I went back to my apartment with Christina. My plan of no one knowing my lack of eating disappeared when I ran to the bathroom as my lunch came back up. Christina came and held my hair back as I puked my life out into the toilet. I finally sat back and put my head between my knees in an attempt to calm myself. When I looked up, she was sitting next to me with a glass of water. I smiled gratefully as I stood up and walked to the sink to rinse my mouth out. We walked back to my bedroom and sat on the bed silently. The tense silence was disrupted be Christina.

"You're anorexic." She said it like it was a known fact, not a question. I nodded but felt I needed to elaborate.

"Not by choice." I state simply. She gives me a weird look, confused.

"Everyone can choose to be anorexic. I don't think it's something that happens unwillingly." She states, explaining her confused state.

"When everyone abandoned me, I started feeling less inclined to eat. I wanted to. But every time I thought of eating I felt sick to my stomach. I still do. How do I explain this to prove I'm not willingly doing this?" I say exasperated.

"Try" she encouraged me.

"Okay." I say thinking. "Let's say you were playing truth or dare and someone dared you to do something you wouldn't object to do, but before you did anything everyone quit the game and you were all alone. Would you still feel the need to finish the dare or would you just not do it? Do you understand now?" I sure hope she understands. Because I have no idea as to how I could explain it in any other way.

"I guess that makes sense. Oh by the way, do you know how you ended up in the coma anyway? Four seems like he knows but he refuses to tell anyone." She arches one eyebrow at the end as though I should be admitting to something. Though I kept saying goodbye in her letter, I never stated suicide so she might have thought I was just planning on leaving the compound.

"To be honest I don't know how that happened. If I tell you what happened before that, will you tell anyone?" I know how Christina is with gossip but I also know that shell keep a secret if it means a lot to you.

"Of course I wouldn't. Did you really have to ask?" She says it lightly, as though I'm not about to tell her about my suicide attempt. I don't answer her question but continue to tell my story.

"Well…" I say, not knowing how to start. "In your letter from me, what did you think I meant when I said goodbye?" The answer to that question will help me know what I need to explain the most about.

"I thought you were leaving somewhere to be alone because of memories or something like that." My question had brought back the confused expression. I guess I'll have to explain quite a bit. I didn't correct her, though she was wrong. I just moved on with the story.

"The last night you refused to talk to me…" I saw her visibly wince. "I broke for the last time. I wrote 4 letters, one to you and 3 to Four, Uriah and Tori. I had my boss deliver them for me the next morning when you may have found me in the coma. That night I went for a walk." I pause to catch my breath. Christina listens solemnly without interruption as I continue, which is unusual. "I went to the chasm." Her eyes widen considerably. "I climbed the railing, gripping it tightly as I leaned back. I took a moment to calm myself before I let go." My voice shakes and she gasps at my words.

"How are you still alive?" She questions, losing her patience.

"That is why I said that I don't know what happened. All I know is that someone or something grabbed my legs before I could fall. I must have hit my head. But I'm not completely sure." Christina throws her arms around me and I cry into her shoulder.

"Suicide is never the answer," She whispers gently. "No matter the situation. There may be things you didn't know that could have changed things. Like how I was on the verge of apologizing that day and acting like a friend. I refused to talk to you that day because I was nervous. I may have been raised to speak my mind but I was scared to actually do it." She bitterly laughs. "Some dauntless I am."

"You may have been ready to forgive me at that point, but how can you say everyone else was. You're not the only one who caused me to break." I reply as I tried to stop my crying.

"So. I could have kept you from snapping completely. Death is permanent, depression isn't. You do know you'll have to go to counseling about this. I don't want you to die." I nod sullenly.

"I'm willing to go. Like I said before, I don't want to feel this way. It was sort of forced onto me." She nods this time. "I just, can't do it alone." I whisper the end.

"I'll go with you if you want me to." She offers. I smile gratefully. "I said it before, and I will say it again. I'll help you, we'll do it together." Those words let me know I'd be okay. It may be hard and it may take forever to heal the wounds left by the war, but I will make it through. I will wear my scars with pride, for may forget what happened. But I will never forget what it has taught me.


	4. Chapter 3

** Okay, to let you guys know, I will now be doing my ANs in bold so you know that they are NOT a part of the story, as well as they will be located at the end of the chapter. Another thing you may want to know is that I write during any free time I have during the week, but school comes first. I will most often post new chapter sometime during the weekends every two weeks, maybe sooner if my teachers are nice and DON'T give me homework. But if I do not post for a bit longer I either have:**

**A lot of homework/project**

**Gone to visit family and didn't have time/internet**

**Had writers block.**

**Okay, I have now finished with that and can move on to all the follows favorites and reviews. **

**Thank you to everyone who followed or favorites my story. It means a lot to me. When I started writing this it was just for fun and I honestly don't think I'm that good a writer. My classmate/ Editor had to persuade me into posting the story, so to get 4 followers and 1 favorite within 16 hours of posting the story is AMAZING in ways I can't even begin to explain. **

**I LOVE reviews but I won't be one of the writers that begs people to write them. I encourage people to give their ideas as to what I should write about, POV changes, writing block tips, anything will be helpful. I will respond to any questions or comments about the story.**

**Thank you mangere275! I will update. I promise. But as I stated earlier, I have a project due soon, so I may be a bit late on posting. I agree that they should get back together. You should PM me some of your ideas on that if you have any.**

**Hopefully none of my other ANs will become this long. I apologize now for any mistakes you may find. I own nothing but the plot. Veronica Roth wrote and owns the Divergent Trilogy.**

**Thanks again!**

That night, Christina decided to take me out to a club of sorts to try and cheer me up after her announcement of when and where my counseling would be. I decided to let Christina dress me up. It's not like I could have stopped her anyway. I thought she would put me in something short and tight but when I put on the dress she gave me I realized it was actually quite loose and flowing. I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. The dress was short but not short enough to bother me. It was covered in layers of frills that fell down in waves, with a silver belt wrapped around my chest. Christina walked up behind me in her dress and heels and grabbed my wrist, gently pulling me into the bathroom to do my hair and makeup. She went light on the makeup only putting black eye shadow that faded to a silver grey color and some shiny lip gloss on me.

I think Christina wanted to give me some time to think because she wasn't talking all that much. Whether or not that was why, I was grateful for the quiet. I thought about Tobias. I don't think were anything but friends now. Maybe not even that after how he yelled at me earlier. But then again, I did do some pretty reckless stuff before that. Even if I thought committing suicide would have been the best option before, I would have wanted him to care if I lived. I guess he did and he was angry at himself…or me…or the both of us. I paused and though about that for a moment. We were both to blame, regardless as to what happened. I began to list things I did and his reactions to them. I was reckless, he got mad. I was alone, he was my family. I was broken, he was confused. I couldn't handle the questions, he broke me. He…broke me. Before I could worry more about that, Christina pulled me out of the bathroom, apparently done with both our hair and makeup. I pulled away from her as she walked to her closet to grab me a pair of shoes she deemed fit.

When we left I was in a pair of shiny black flats, my short curls bobbing as me and her joked around on the way there. I knew I looked way fancier than usual, but I also knew Christina went easy on me. I smiled at the thought of her trying to be the Christina I know without being pushy or bringing back bad memories. My old self would have been grateful for the peace. But to be honest, I didn't really feel like myself anymore. My thoughts of suicide changed me somehow. It made me realize just how much I wanted to live. I didn't want to arrogant or cruel or thoughtless, especially thoughtless. I realized just how many people I would have hurt had I never been saved. That thought is what brings me back to the present. I still hadn't figured out who saved me. I make it a goal to find whoever saved me and thank them. Nothing is worth killing yourself. Had I not been saved, I would have never learned that. I turn to Christina, feeling courageous after my mental epiphany.

"I have a deal for you. If you can drink a bottle of beer faster than the bar tender, ill dance with anyone you choose." I smile at the end. I'm not sure why. I think it's because I want to be a better person, and Christina would have made me do something like that anyway, so why not.

"You're serious?" she asks, disbelieving. I nod eagerly.

"You wanted to cheer me up. I find the image of you trying to drink faster than a bartender amusing and tonight is supposed to be fun. I won't let the abnegation in me ruin the night for you." I reply, meaning every word even if I said them jokingly. We arrive in front of the club.

"Deal" Christina yells before grabbing my arm and pulling me into the club, though the crowds of people, to the bar and plopping down on a stool, gesturing for me to do the same. I can barely hear her ask the tender to do a drinking contest with her. She explains my circumstances for the contest. She turns to me and says I'm the ref. I smile and practically yell "good luck" at her. She smiles and grabs the bottle being given to her.

They start and the tender is in the lead until out of nowhere Christina almost inhales the rest of the bottle, winning seconds before the tender finished. I just sit there staring at her. She thanks the tender and pulls me into the crowd of people.

"I believe we had a deal Tris." She winks before grabbing me and pulling me deeper into the crowd. I see Tobias and freeze. Christina stops and turns to me, a confused look on her face as to why I stopped. But behind that I see a layer of excitement. I grimace inwardly.

"How did you know he'd be here?" I ask stiffly. I nod in his direction.

"To be honest, I don't know why he's here." She looks shocked, but I see a plan slowly forming in her head.

**Tobias POV**

I try to ignore the feeling of sadness as I think of the night Tris tried to kill herself. If she hadn't been so unreachable after the war it wouldn't have happened I think to myself. But I'm wrong. It was my fault as much as hers. She lost close to everything; she had a reason to be so distant. I shouldn't have yelled at her. I guess I'm just mad about our decisions. I closed my eyes and just sat there, letting the sound of the rushing water clear my thoughts. Scenes from my past replay in my mind, slowly breaking my heart apart. I see Tris falling into the net, standing tall as I threw knives at her, climbing up the Ferris wheel and talking with me, coming into my fear landscape, if it had to do with her, I saw it.

I was brought to reality when I heard people laughing. I look up and see Tris and Christina walking away from me chatting. Tris is wearing a frilly dress, but she doesn't seem bothered by it at all. Before I can comprehend what I'm doing I stand up and follow them discreetly. I see Christina pull Tris into a club-that explains the outfits. I follow but as soon as enter, I can't find them anymore. I spend some time walking around trying to find them, but I can't see much past the wall of people surrounding me. That's when I hear her voice

"How did you know he'd be here?" I feel my heart beat speed up. I don't turn around yet no matter how much I want to. I have some more I want to say to Tris after our earlier conversation. If only I could get her to talk to me. I don't think she'll avoid me but if were at a club, Christina had to have looped Tris into something.

**Tris POV**

"You said anyone" Christina points out for what felt like the millionth time. We were arguing about our deal and Christina's decision as to who I would be dancing with.

"Fine" I mutter, regretting having made the deal in the first place. I walk up to Tobias and tap his shoulder. He turns looking slightly relieved, though mostly confused. "Would you like to dance?" I ask quietly.

"Sure" he replies quickly. I turn to glare at Christina and notice she went up to the DJ and is now pointing at me and Tobias. A few seconds later a slow song comes on. Many people leave the dance floor, leaving only a few other people and us. He holds his hand out and I gently grasp it. We start slowly dancing in a circle. We fall into an awkward silence for most of the song. I decide to be the one to break the silence between us.

"Do you know anything about the night I went into a coma?" I ask, just loud enough for him to hear. I feel him slightly tense but he replies.

"I know I was hoping to start talking to you again. I know I saw you climb the railing and let yourself fall." His voice just barely cracks.

"Did you save me?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"Yes," it came out as barely a whisper. "I couldn't live with myself if I knew I caused you to die. I can barely live with causing you to think of suicide." My breath catches in my throat. I throw my hands around his shoulders, squeezing him as hard as possible. His arms wrap around my waist, lifting me up slightly.

"Thank you." I mumble into his neck.

"What do you mean? I thought you would have hated me for saving you." He says, his voice portraying how surprised he was.

"I shouldn't have acted the way I did. I didn't know how many people I would be hurting if you hadn't saved me. I know that now." I let go and he set me down again he had a small smile on his face. The song ended and he asked if I wanted to talk somewhere more quiet. I quickly agreed and followed him as he walked out of the club.

We soon found ourselves at the place at the chasm where we had our first kiss. I smiled at the memory. Then I look over and see where I planned on ending my life. The good feeling left my body and I froze, the smile fading into a look of something close to fear. He noticed and pulled me into his arms, trying to help. I don't know if it was his embrace or just his presence that comforted me. Either way I relaxed and settled back into his arms. He chuckled quietly and leaned down, capturing my lips with his. He was hesitant but not as much as the first time.

As much as I wanted with my whole heart that I would have stayed, I didn't. The second his lips touched mine I ran. I don't know why I heard him calling my name and I knew he was faster than me, so I just ran until I was lost and couldn't hear his voice anymore. Once I was sure I wasn't being followed I found my way to the train tracks, not caring about the time. I jumped on the first train I saw and paid no attention to where it went. I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes in an attempt to try and calm my mess of thoughts I called my brain.

When I finally opened my eyes, I found myself nearing the area I played paintball at. I stood and prepared myself to jump off. When I was ready I took a deep breath and threw my body out of the train. I felt a rush of adrenaline run through my veins. I managed to land on my feet, walking a few steps to catch my balance. Much to my dismay the rush disappeared quickly, leaving me feeling numb. I didn't let that stop me though. I kept moving forward, the Ferris wheel popping up and getting closer swiftly.

I was soon at the ladder, not stopping to rest and just climbing it till I reached the platform. I sat down close to the edge, pulling my knees up to my chest. I spend the rest of the night staring at the stars.

I woke up to a light pain on my back. One look around tells me that I fell asleep on the platform. I silently thank myself for not falling of the platform in my sleep. I stand up and stretch, making my way back to the ladder. On the climb down I realize it-no one came.

Either they all forgot about the Ferris wheel or they decided to give me space. Once I reach the ground I run over to the train tracks' hoping a train doesn't come very soon. Of course I want to go back to my apartment, but that also means unwanted questions and conversations I'm not looking forward to.

Luckily another train doesn't come for what felt like 15 minutes. It wasn't the hour I was hoping for but at least it was something. I hopped on and leaned back. As the time passed I found myself humming some random tune I must have heard at the club or something. Go was it annoying, it was stuck in my head. Even when walking to my apartment I continued humming the same part over and over… It was so annoying!

When I saw who was waiting at my door, I turned quickly and ran straight to Christina's, afraid of being seen. I knocked on the door quietly and it flew open. Before I could say anything I was being dragged into the room and practically thrown on the small couch she had.

"Where were you? What happened last night? Are you and four together again…?" Christina's flood of questions was expected but exasperated me no less.

"Ferris wheel…Tell you in a moment… And I seriously don't know how to answer the next one. Hopefully I answer your questions in any explanation you allow me to give." I saw questioningly.

"Go ahead. That's what I was going to ask you to do anyway so…" she didn't finish the sentence, letting it drop off. Possibly to show she wanted to know and didn't want to gossip.

"Well, when you made me dance with four I sort of, figured out that he saved me. He didn't go into depth though" I say quickly before Christina could ask how or why. "I'm sure you saw what happened after I hugged him, we left so we could talk in a more peaceful setting. I was caught up in memories when…" I pause, my breath catching in my throat. "He kissed me." I whisper the last part.

"He what!" I thought she would react this way. "What did you do?" of course she wouldn't just think I stayed. I think sarcastically.

"I had a conversation with a bunny." I say half-jokingly, half sarcastically.

"I'm serious." She countered.

"I ran." I say simply, as though I didn't run from the one guy I have ever loved.

"But, Why?" she asked, confused.

"I'm not sure. That's why I'm here. You always have seemed better at this type stuff than me. And I saw him at my apartment and I panicked and came here!" I practically wail.

"Well then, I think it's because you're scared that he will get mad at you again, which I really doubt. You don't want him to be mad, so you avoid him. It makes sense." She says with a calming tone.

"How do I stop being scared?" I ask hopelessly.

"You don't run away from him for one thing." She says it as though it would be obvious. "You need to go talk to him. Clear things up. You may have talked before, but he may have been trying to get over the fact you tried to commit suicide. He probably still is. And you running away aren't going to help anything." As much as I hated to admit it, she had a point.

"Okay…" I say uneasily.

"Go talk to him." She said nicely but with a firm voice to show that it was an order.

"fine." I stand u and walk through the door. "Thank you!" I yell as the door shuts behind me. I walk back to my apartment in peace but I turn down my hallway, he is still there. This time his eyes are shut. There is still time to turn around I tell myself I feel myself tense and take a deep breath. His eyes flash open and land on me. I can't turn back now.


	5. Chapter 4

"Hey" I said hesitantly. Trying to remember that running wouldn't help anything.

"Tris! Are you okay? I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that." He kept rambling slightly about how he shouldn't have kissed me until I interrupted.

"It's okay." I elaborate on the okay. "We need to talk. I can explain my side of things and you can explain yours. Let's go inside." I unlock my door and tug Tobias into the room. I sit on the edge of my bed and wave my arm in a circle to show that he could sit where ever. He took my desk chair and rolled it over till he was sitting across from me.

"So what do you want to start?" he asks to stop the silence between us from growing.

"Umm, you may know this already from the letter I wrote for you, but I still love you regardless of the situation" I stared at my sheets, not willing to look at him. "I was afraid to dance with you yesterday because I thought you may still be mad at me. I guess I was wrong about that. Later I froze at the chasm, I'm sure you know why. I could stand the sight of it; I still can't, not anymore. My mind was a mess by the time we got to our rock. When you kissed me…it wasn't that I don't love you that I ran away. I was scared and with so much going on I panicked and as much as I wanted to stay, I fled as quickly as possible." I laugh bitterly. "Such a stupid decision." I mutter to myself.

"Where did you go?" he asks cautiously.

"I took a train, I hadn't really had a place in mind but when I saw the Ferris wheel I got off and went to the platform we were on that one time. I spent most of the night thinking and eventually fell asleep up there." I explain easily though I still won't look at him. I hear him stand up and watch in my peripherals as he comes and sits next to me.

"When will you look at me?" he asks, his voice holding a slight tone of sadness. I don't answer. Instead I slowly lift my head and look him in the eyes. I take a leap of faith by leaning over and wrapping my arms around him, still looking into his deep blue eyes. His arms slide round me as well, squeezing me gently. We sat and chatted for a while, never moving from our position. Eventually I knew I had to get up.

"I have to go to take a shower. You are free to stay or leave, whichever." I say it gently because I really don't want to leave the protection of his arms. But if I want to go talk with Bud, I'd prefer I was clean. I grab a set of clothes from my dresser and walk to the bathroom.

**Tobias POV**

Once Tris was in the bathroom, all I really did was sit there thinking for a while. Finally I stood and looked around. I saw some art supplies sprawled across her desk. I never knew Tris liked art. I walk over to the desk and look through all the drawings stacked there until I came across a notebook. I continued to look at her various drawings. Many seemed quite sad at the beginning. They got better and happier the farther I went.

Then it just stopped. I flipped through some of the blank pages until I found a large yet lightly drawn sketch. Or rather, collage of sketches. I saw a shattered mirror, broken and melting heart, the room I broke up with her in, the tattoo shop, a train car, the Ferris wheel. All of this glimpses of moments of her life. They formed a blended circle around one solidary sketch, the only one with darkened lines to define it. It was of someone falling into the chasm. And that someone looked like her.

I dropped the notebook in shock. I couldn't breathe. Or at least, I felt like I couldn't. I looked up and saw two more drawings. The first made me happy for it was a drawing of all whom she cares about and who care about her. The second drawing made the cold feeling come back, numbing me. There was only one person there, though it was the words that hurt the most-"the only family I have left".

Was I no longer her family?

**Tris POV**

I walked out and saw Tobias looking at the two drawings on my bulletin board. I walked up behind him. I knew that he knew I was there because I saw him tense. I already knew the answer to the question he was bound to ask.

"You do realize that I made that after talking to you the first time once I wake up. Yes I may have talked with you but he was the only one I was sure of at the moment. You're part of what I consider family, you were always a part of my family, but I didn't think you thought so too, which is why you aren't on there." I reassure him gently. I wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his back. I feel him slowly relax,

"I didn't know you could draw." He says with curiosity.

"Not really. It's just a stress reliever. It helps me let out my emotions in ways that won't harm me others or objects within reach. I've been drawing since I can remember." I reply casually.

"How come I never knew about it?" he sounds sadden by the fact didn't tell him about this.

"Because you became my stress reliever and I didn't need to draw much anymore. Once you left, I began to draw every second possible because of the stress." I release him and walk to my closet to grab my jacket. "Anyway I have to go but you can come with me if you want." He nods and follows me out of my apartment.

His hand slides into mine as I finish locking my door. He squeezes it affectionately and I can't hide the flare of pain that ran up my arm. He immediately lets go, worried. "What's wrong" he questions me.

"It's not you; I just cut up my hands pretty bad earlier." I assure him quickly. He looks at me with concern and I hold my hand out palm up. My hands are streaked with red lines with no pattern, just a web of jagged cuts along my palms.

"How did that happen?" he asks, shocked.

"You know how I said that drawing helps me keep from breaking things I can reach?" I start. "Well, when I got stressed I punched the mirror in my bathroom. I haven't cleaned up the glass until earlier, which is why I tool so long in the bathroom." I grimace as I say that, remembering what I was thinking about when I did it. "Anyway, I have to go see Bud and go to Christina's by noon." I say, changing the subject. He nods and holds his arm out, signaling for me to lead.

We soon are at the tattoo parlor. I see Bud through the window and enter, Tobias follows quietly. Bud seems to have just finished and is cleaning up the station when he looks up.

"Hey Tris, Four. What's up?"

"I wanted to thank you for delivering the letters, and for being there when no one else was." I say quietly.

"anytime." He replies smoothly. "I take it, they have begun to open up again." He implies, glancing at Tobias. I smile.

"Yes, they have, though I am still cautious." I say honestly.

"You should be. After all a heart can only be broken so many times before it can't be fixed." He agrees. "Just don't let that caution keep you from trusting them. There will be times when you'll need people to trust." He interrupts me before I can tell him that I trust him "More than just me."

"I guess. Thanks again." I stepped forward and hugged him gently. I waited a second then let go. I have to go see Christina. See you later." I grasped Tobias hand and walked out the door, turning and waving when I noticed Bud waving at me.

"Where to now?" Tobias asked.

"Christina's, then where you may or may not be allowed to come, really depends on Christina though." I shrug. It couldn't hurt to bring him along.

**I am utterly sorry for late posting…or later, whatever. You know what I mean. I am also sorry for the shortness of it. I have had practically no time because I have to write a story thing for school and it's really hard and confusing and took forever. As well as I had multiple projects and an upcoming concert. As you can tell I've been a bit stressed. I didn't want to keep you guys waiting so I just posted what I had of chapter 4.**


	6. AN-I will delete this 61313

**I am SO sorry that this isn't a new chapter.**

**I truly wish it was. but, I do have some saddening news. I will be taking a small pause from writing due to school projects finals, family, location and a couple other things. **

**I must delay the release time for any chapters written**

**Hopefully by the end of the school year I will have a couple chapters completely written (one at the very least), but school work comes first right now. And for that reason, I will not be posting those chapters until after the school year ends. **

**I'm sorry.**

**Please don't give up on reading this because of this. This is the first time I've ever willingly let someone read my writing. I don't want to let school ruin it. My editor believes that if you guys like my story, you wont let this stop you from continueing reading when it starts up again. Please don't forget about the story while I do this.**

**Thank you for reading this.**

**Sorry,**

**Theladybug01**


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